The Coquette Softened
Coquettes have an alluring draw to them beginning with their attractive looks and cool confidence. Long-term relationships turn into hot and cold cycles leaving you confused and unsure. They’re tender emotional creatures, although don’t outwardly show this preferring to remain self contained. You can have a rewarding long lasting dedicated partnership with the coquette benefiting from their tenderness and emotional expression, if you resist codependent tendencies.
Before you read about the Coquette, make sure to read the introduction to all the seduction profiles or take the quiz (released 2018).
He’s cute and there’s an instant connection until the games start…
Coquettes have an alluring draw to them beginning with their attractive looks. Once they’ve gotten your attention with their physicality, they draw you in further with their cool confidence. Then you steadily become codependent, as you play into their hot and cold games.
They’re tender emotional creatures, although don’t outwardly show this. Because of this, coquettes can fall hard and fast in love often remaining in denial to this fact, as they try to remain self contained and independent. You can benefit, at times, from bowing down to their terms and initiations unlike other seduction profiles. Their cool and confident attitude combined with their elusive and self contained behavior can often be misinterpreted, as them not really being into you or caring. The fact remains they likely aren’t pursuing others during time apart rather just doing their own thing. They want you to suspect they aren’t attached, haven’t fallen hard, and could leave you with ease. They’re loyalty and love for you starts early and remains consistent throughout your relationship. It starts early and remains relatively even until the end despite what their actions and words may display.
In the music video, Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, we witness Katy going absolutely crazy. I could think of no better song to represent what it’s like to date a coquette. The coquette has the ability to make you codependent and turn you into an emotional mess from their hot and cold games, instigation of jealously, emotional wavering, indecision about the relationship, and self contained behavior.
“Someone call the doctor. Got a case of love bi-polar. Stuck on a roller coaster. Can’t get off this ride.” Thank you Katy Perry for summing up the whole relationship with a coquette in one line. Most of the lyrics in this Katy Perry song aligns perfectly with dating a coquette, so give it careful watch.
The reality remains, if you resist codependent tendencies, remain level with your emotions, keep your ego and jealousy in check, and use the hot and cold games to your benefit, you can have a rewarding long lasting dedicated partnership with the coquette benefiting from their tenderness and emotional expression. Also unlike most profiles, once you meet on an even playing field and avoid the codependent behavior the coquette tends to draw out, their self contained and cool attitude allows your own freedom to focus on your life. If you have a drive to be your own person, while having a relationship, a healthy relationship with a coquette can be perfect for you.
I don’t believe the coquette does any of the below noted things on purpose. A coquette reading this may be surprised but none-the-less agree it describes him. Either way people are responsible for their actions, and the coquette needs to know how his behavior creates and lures unhealthy behavior out of their partners. It’s up to you, as their partner, to call them out on it and not be affected by their games.
The narcissist…
He appears confident, self-sufficient, and cool at the core. Coquette’s remain one of the most physically attractive profiles, so they get away with much of their tendencies. He’s happily self contained and self involved. At least he wants to appear like he doesn’t need you. He only needs himself right? Coquettes work hard to maintain this appearance. The coquette actually wants a relationship, commitment, and attention. They’re just hoping it’s all on their terms, and you don’t fully realize they actually want all of these things. They try their hardest to come across, as only needing themselves.
While the coquette may not be labelled as an extreme introvert, it’s clear they’re not extroverted. Being more introverted means he doesn’t really require attention from others and appears happily self contained confident in himself. Remaining a little more introverted keeps him more cool and mysterious.
Elusive behavior…
You’re never quite sure what he’s up to, and he often fails to provide details about his day or what he’s even doing. This behavior makes you obsess a little. It causes the building of your imagination. It works in his favor in two ways, although he may not know he’s causing it. He becomes mysterious, so your mind builds him up to be much more grand. Leaving it open ended allows you imagination to run a muck and imagine anything. You may also think he’s up to something suspect, which builds jealously. Essentially this behavior leads to the building of your codependent attachment to him over time.
Hot or Cold…
Of course just when you’ve been building him up in your imagination, because he’s mysterious. You’ve been obsessing about him, and you totally love his confidence and cool attitude. He takes a step back. This usually happens after several “hot” days of talking and seeing each other everyday. The good news is the hot days are really hot. You guys have tons of fun and intimacy. You feel on top of the world and loved. Then he goes cold. He’s got shit to do. There’s no middle ground with these guys. It’s either all full throttle ahead and seeing each other almost too much, or it’s not seeing each other at all with a cold and distant feel. Of course this hot then followed by cold causes you some confusion. You get a bit insecure. Questioning if he’s still into you.
As a side note, with no no middle ground and the all or nothing approach, this profile may tend to binge more. This binge partaking can be applied to anything from partying and drug habits to purposeful projects.
He operates on all or nothing. It’s either on or off. Yes. No. What the fuck’s going on do you know? The hot and cold alternating streaks can go on for days at a time or alternate day-to-day. His lack of attention, when he’s cold creates a classic game of cat and mouse. When a person feels another may not like them or be into them, it builds on their insecurities, so they try to gain the attention and acceptance of the other. Over time this creates an uneven relationship of you always trying to gain acceptance and not quite feeling valued or good enough. Again, slowly building a codependent attachment to him.
This profile likes a lot of attention on their terms and a lack of attention, also on their terms. Being in a relationship with a coquette usually has a lot more drama than necessary, because the hot and cold drives you crazy.
The drama queen…
Coquette’s hate drama, because this profile has the most drama surrounding them, and they create it. The coquette claims to hate drama yet their behavior brings out drama in those people around them, and they likely don’t realize they’re the common denominator. Making others obsess, because you leave out details, the on and off and hot and cold, and the co-dependence often fuels their partner’s craziness. Then she comes off, as the crazy one, but really the coquette profile drove her to this state.
Also, the fragmented emotional communication causes drama. She couldn’t express herself fully either during this relationship, so perhaps she over reacted from never being heard. Discussed next.
Too grand, lofty, or busy for your emotions…
While coquettes don’t view themselves, as better than others. It’s their cool confident attitude and wanting things on their terms making them come off as “I’m too good or busy for that”.
If a coquette read this now, they would first become a little upset I’m exposing their attributes. Then, because it’s true, they may resort to diminishing it down, turning it around on you often pointing out your flaw instead, or how they hate labels then dismiss it completely. This is how they get out of things they don’t agree with, maybe losing at, or attributes you make be pointing out. While they may know you’re right about their flaw, it will first make them angry and stubborn.
For example. I asked my hoarding coquette roommate to clean up his room, and then he pointed out my dishes claiming he couldn’t do his dishes.What does my six dishes have to do with you living in a basically condemned shit hole? Right I’m sure my six dishes caused your shit hole. He would also have to uncover the piles in his room to find his dishes. See what I mean?
Why does he downplay something so important including your emotions? Remember he often has better things to worry about, like himself, and he’s above this petty crap.
He may dismiss you sometimes, when expressing yourself or emotions. Since he might be above, what he considers, petty emotions. There’s no time for your shit. He wants to deal with, what he believes, more important things…like himself. When expressing yourself to him, that’s about you not him, so he don’t have time for anything interfering with his life. It’s not on his terms, so he doesn’t want to hear it…especially when it’s true.
Now maybe I’m being a little hard on this sensitive profile. He won’t dismiss you all the time. There’s good times to have conversations with coquette’s, but you have to lead into it a certain way or wait until they initiate. Once you get them into a conversation, you will be surprised at the full range of sensitivity and emotions displayed.
The male coquette, I believe, is actually the closest thing to a woman compared to the other male profiles. Remember this fact, when you’re in a relationship with one. They’re moody, display emotions on their own terms, and prefer to be independent with nobody to answer to. They give you mixed signals but still want a relationship. Sound familiar ladies? This brings me to my next point
Seeing Red…
“You PMS. Like a bitch. I should know.” Thank you again Katy Perry for summing up one of the most moody men you will ever meet.
Because they’re emotional and sensitive creatures who often don’t express these characteristics properly, you can expect them to fly off the handle once in a while. When they get angry, they get really angry. They sometimes let their anger take over and regret the things they said or did after.
Anger and guilt can be used to influence people. Sadly, he will use anger or guilt to manipulate, whether he’s aware of it or not. He’s sill accountable for his actions, and the coquette is classic at using anger and guilt against you.
Another interesting thing noting his moodiness: When they go cold, they go cold. They spent way too much attention on you, and probably overdid it getting behind in their own life, so now they have to focus on their own thing.
They become hyper focused on what they’re doing to complete a task. Any interruption can really annoy them…like a coworker interrupting their task their working on to ask them a question or a text message coming in while they’re concentrating. Beware. Don’t interrupt at key times: i.e. when they’re working.
The pessimist…
Coquette’s tend to be a little more of a pessimistic creature. While he isn’t an extreme downer, he tends to live his life, as a glass half empty type of guy. Little things affect his mood. Don’t let them bring you down! Remember drama and unattended to emotions float around in his head. That’s hard to manage, and it would make me moody too!
A relationship always on the rocks…
The hot and cold always creates a bit of a rocky relationship. Keeping you wondering whether you’re good or not. The reality is… the coquette thinks about breaking up more often than any other profile type. Yes this includes even good relationships. Could you imagine always being under the stress of thinking about leaving your relationship? I feel for them. No wonder they hate drama…it’s constantly going on in their head.
They go through different periods in their relationship, where they may be thinking of that less…but still more than other profiles
Full Frontal Disclosure…
I use defense strategies and seduction profiling, as part of my relationship coaching. They will help you manage the codependent tenancies and assist in creating a dedicated partnership using communication and behavior adjustments with your coquette. Most individuals will find the below defense strategies difficult to execute, but generally they improve most scenarios. However, all relationships have unique components. In addition to seduction profiling, defense strategies, I use my own experience, knowledge, intuition, and unique tasks assigned to individuals and their relationship, as part of my intuitive relationship coaching packages to match client needs. I love helping woman meet relationship goals and become the best versions of themselves. Please feel free to contact me for assistance in executing properly for your unique situation.
Also, most of these strategies refer to building relationships to meet the goal of a dedicated partnership. If you’re already married or together for an extensive amount of time, similar strategies can be used to renew and excite your situation, so please reach out to me for more information.
Finally, if you have any comments, questions, concerns, or a different situation you’d like to discuss, please give me a shout via email or Facebook.
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Task 1: When he’s cold, you stay chill
There’s no better way to combat a cold coquette than using his own strategy against him. This takes some getting used to, because our insecurities get the best of us. Fight the instinct to initiate contact or chase after him, when you feel insecurities welling up in your chest.
It’s also sometimes hard to know, when the coquette your dating is on a cold day. The longer you date them, the more you learn the signs. Start to note the signs of detachment. Tone of voice, not initiating plans, him telling you he’s busy, delay in texting, minimal texting, or allowing the text conversation or social media interaction go stale. Try not to be the last to respond. If you are, and he doesn’t reply back for several hours, don’t initiate another text for the love of god!
Once you sense it’s a cold day, don’t initiate anymore contact and don’t ask him to hang out. Wait for him to initiate contact again later that day or the next day. Once he initiates, you have the permission to have a conversation but remember don’t go really hot too fast. You need to give him space, because he may be busy focusing on his on thing. You don’t want to annoy him, when he’s hyper-focused on something. He will likely initiate, when he’s no longer busy or starts to think of you again.
Usually woman chase in relationships. Not this time. Remember my note above…you’re dating the closest male profile to a woman emotionally.
Don’t start letting your mind build on what he could be doing either! He’s just doing man stuff and work. Stay calm as a duck sister, because you don’t want to end up like Katy Perry in the video. You can master your emotional ego and win this!
Remember mentioned above, the cold has a tenancy to drive your mind to build him up in your imagination, because he’s mysterious. You obsess about him. You get a bit insecure. Especially after a hot spell, it’s like an addiction.
Don’t fall into the codependent trap of trying to gain the attention and acceptance of him, or you will start undervaluing yourself and acting completely irrational. The first step is to catch yourself having negative emotional feelings, and then keep your ego in check.
Task 2: Don’t play into the codependency
Codependent feelings will naturally come up dating this profile, but you need to control yourself. It’s OK to have these feeling and acknowledge them but try not to let the coquette be aware of these feelings. You need to manage them yourself, because it’s the best for both of you. The relationship will go backwards, if you continually get dragged into codependent emotions and behaviors.
The first step is observation. Observe, when you start to feel obsessed, jealous, guilty, insecure,emotional or worried. Observe when you can’t take it anymore and have to text him when you shouldn’t, observe jealous remarks and actions, how you react to guilt, your reaction to his anger, how you feed your insecurities, etc. Don’t fault yourself for having these feelings. Just observe, so you can be aware.
Task 3: Handling the enviable fighting cycle
Of course, if you have a fight, hold out on initiating contact. He goes cold, when he’s upset or mad at you. You might be waiting 3-5 days, but stay strong warrior and hold out. After five days of not hearing anything, you can start to worry and maybe initiate contact, but give me the first five days alright?
It usually has to be on their terms….the make up and resolution. If they don’t indicate needing a resolution yet, then they probably need more space. Don’t initiate the resolution for five days, and try to let them suggest meeting and be the first to initiate after a fight. Promote and support space. Even if they want to resolve, consider trying to drag out the initiation of the resolution.
I can’t stress enough for you to understand the coquette cycles, so unless you’ve screwed up bad, they will be back to want to rectify or resolve things. This cold spell following a fight is a perfect time to do all the stuff you want to do for you! Try not to let the guilt or worry drag you down. It’s like the husband who’s wife goes away for a weekend, and he invites all the guys over for a football game and spends the rest of the weekend in his garage. Yes! I like to get work done on my business. In fact, I wrote this whole coquette draft, while my coquette boyfriend was on a cold spell. Plus doing you displays your cool confidence and happy self containment, and that draws the coquette in! They’re attracted to themselves after all. Fight them with their own medicine. Don’t get trapped up in their codependent cycle. Do you. It’s best for both parties.
Task 4:Timing your conversations
On or off. All or nothing. When you get a chance to say it, say what you need in the most condensed emotionally intelligent way. No blowing up or being needy from bottling it due to feeling you can’t express yourself. Although coquettes discourage communication, you have accountability to express yourself. Express yourself with confidence and take the opportunity, when you have it. Correct timing to bring forward a concern includes something similar to the topic you need to express comes up, and you insert a couple sentences OR he brings up the topic of concern first. In the later case, you may talk more extensively, because he initiated the discussion. Always have conversations with sensitivity in mind. The coquette is a sensitive creature. Be careful how you word things, so you don’t hurt them. Use a lot of “I feel” statements rather than finger pointing statements like “you did this”.
If the coquette thinks they might lose you, they will always be willing to listen. I would prefer it would never get to this place. However, because of the coquette dismissing their partners emotions, often conversations take a turn and get into big blow ups, where there’s a period of coldness and no talking. It’s not unusual for coquettes to walk sometimes. They may leave for periods of time or not talk to you for periods of time, especially after a fight.
To end a fight, after he initiated contact, check-in with him to feel out what they need. Do they need more space? Notice how I said feel out…try not to directly ask them if you can help it. Hopefully you know them enough to gauge what they need. Even so…it’s a good sign they’re talking to you again, so you may wait a couple more days to see them.
On a side note. The coquette does need to feel loved, wanted, and needed by you. Remember he’s sensitive and needs love. He often initiates to confirm worthiness of your love, so offer him the support and love he needs. Display emotions on his terms.
You may feel nervous about bringing something up, so you just bottle it up. Over time, you getting dismissed emotionally makes it hard to communicate. Don’t get lazy, because this shoots yourself in the foot. Don’t let your fear overtake you. Get it out there, because he’s probably bottling something similar and needs to talk too.
Task 5: Don’t play into the guilt
I grew up with a coquette father. As a child, I observed him insight guilt into my mother regarding her friends and family. My mother struggled with guilt, when she wanted to invite friends or family over. Likely my father had his own insecurities about not having many friends or a family who lived so far away. He also felt my mom’s family dominated most of our time compared to his family.
Beware of the coquette in-sighting guilt. Observe it closely. It’s likely the key to their insecurity. Does he make you feel guilty for your success, because secretly he wants to be as successful as you? Does he make you feel guilty about your friends, because he wants more friends? Remember coquette’s are introverted, so they tend to gravitate to extroverts…then make them feel guilty for being extroverted. Do you feel guilty for going to the gym, because he wants a nice body too? Has he been cheated on before, so you cant seem to get his approval hanging out with anyone or going anywhere?
Ask yourself, where do you feel guilt, when you do something. These are important keys on areas you need to be aware of to focus and work on in both yourself and your relationship. Once you have the key to their insecurity and your guilt, you can bring it into the light and work together to help overcome it. Please see the gentle guidance note in Task 6 before attempting this. The timing of bringing insecurities into the light must also be right, and how you go about it was outlined in Task 4. Watch for the opening to bring up these topics! If they cant work on it, well then it might be time to move along.
At this point many seduction books or experts would tell you to use their insecurities against them, but remember were trying to build secure partnerships…not insecure ones. It’s about bringing it to their attention, and instead of always asking what you can get from someone….we’re going to ask what you can give. What can you do for your coquette to help them through the process? They will be a better person to get through the insecurity. And yes it’s mostly about them, but you have a part too. You let the guilt get to you, so it’s about working on yourself too.
Task 6: Don’t let him bring you down
His shit is now your shit, because you care about them. As stated above, coquette’s remain more of the pessimistic type, so he may have the tendency to bring you down. Because you care for him, you take on his stuff. As woman, we never like seeing someone we care about in distress. Because these individuals are happily self contained, he doesn’t realize you’re so affected by his stuff. If he did notice, he might tell you to stop caring, because its his stuff. It’s true. They can handle most things themselves, and they did fine before you came along.
It’s not about always finding solutions for them. It’s about supporting them. Coquettes tend to attract “helper” woman, so the woman naturally always attempt to solve the coquette’s problems. Realize solving his problems also reinforces the coquette’s codependency cycle. Meaning, he becomes dependent on you to solve his problems, and you become dependent on him, because you love adding meaning to your life being the “helper”. Really, you need to find meaning in other areas of your life, and he needs to generate his own solutions for his problems, while you offer guidance.
Beware. Don’t get too caught up in his life. He doesn’t get you cant stop caring. Its also a bit of a double standard, because they don’t want to hear about your shit. They have their own shit to deal with, and now you’re adding stress to their life by trying to share your problems. Yet they seem to be perfectly fine with how you will always offer a listening ear to their problems.
Again, offer a listening ear. Don’t try to find the solution for them. They need to solve their own problems, but you may offer guidance at carefully selected times. Just be careful. We don’t want them the get moody or lose their independent feeling, when they feel you may be finding solutions to their problems or telling them what to do. Gentle guidance sister…not solving their problems.
The key is…stop caring about his shit so much. It’s OK to care, but release a bit. Can you not be affected so much? You don’t need to feel guilty or insecure. You definitely don’t need to react to his moodiness, anger, or pessimistic nature. This goes for the logical stuff too. Your to-do list doesn’t need to double, because of him. You don’t need to jump for him.
Love him, and keep a healthy emotional space between you and him. Healthy, dedicated, and supportive relationships mean both parties equally listen, support, and help each other, so one individual in the relationship doesn’t get drained.
I empathize with you, since I grew up with a coquette father thus influencing me to date coquettes including my current relationship.
In closing, remember you’re dealing with an emotionally sensitive profile. Coquettes need and want love from you but don’t want to admit or display emotions. They often deal with their repressed emotions in hot and cold cycles. Love them with all your heart practicing appropriate boundaries, guidance, and melting their fears.
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